‘Tis the season for all things joyous: twinkling lights, snow-capped trees, steaming hot chocolate, family time by the fire and the sweet laughter of children frolicking through tinsel. But, PUMP the breaks! Let’s be real: it is also the season of heightened stress, social anxiety, blurred boundaries, over-drinking and all out exhaustion. So let’s reverse engineer the holidays. By shining a light on the shadows, head on, we can map out a path through the hardest parts of the season together, and with kindness and love in mind for ourselves and others. You know my approach — have a plan and work the plan. First up: naming our shadows.
If you are dealing with. . .
if you are dealing with Difficult Boundaries:
Heading home for the holidays can mean run-ins with an overbearing aunt, a racist in-law or the old hometown bully, which can stir up unwanted triggers.
My Tip:
First, try to create holiday traditions with those who fill your emotional cup! Visualize what this looks like for you. Second, when we have uncomfortable holiday run ins, boundaries and self-care are essential. Recognize: Hurt people hurt others. Anybody who acts out by defying boundaries needs love the most. This does not mean you have to put yourself in the line of fire; emotional boundaries are essential.
When you may be in environments that remind you of a triggering past, do an emotional body scan and check in: How do I feel? Am I nervous because I haven’t seen them in 10 years? Or am I nervous because they’re hurtful? Does this give me energy? Does this drain me? Removing yourself from the line of fire is an act towards self-care.
I have loved the evolution of self-help and self-love resources transitioning from books and offices to blogs and Instagram- while it’s no replacement for professional treatment, a small, kind reminder when you open your phone can can be just the nudge you need some days. Some of my personal favorites are:
Dr. Nicole LePera | @The.Holistic.psychologist
Amanda E. White | @therapyforwomen
Vienna Pharaon | @mindfulmft
Lalah Delia | @Lalahdelia
ALEXANDRA ELL | @ALEX_ELLE
YUNG PUEBLO | @YUNG_PUEBLO
ASHLEY NEESE | @ASHLEY_NEESE
if you are dealing with Drinking as a Distraction:
Moderation in all things is how I like to guide this principle. This time of year we have an influx of holiday parties, gatherings and dinner obligations. The downside to drinking consistently comes with dehydration, mental fog, poor skin, and all around fatigue mixed with already packed schedules. I am a two drink maximum kind of gal and I limit my intake once every few weeks for many reasons with the top priority being able to wake up the next morning having a clear and creative mind.
My Tip
Whatever the reason, it is valid to take a step back at this time of year with consumption. One of my favorite hydrating and healthy alternatives is hot water with lemon, which any bar will have. Another reliable classic is soda with a splash of citrus. Or mix it up with whatever is on hand — tonic with a candy cane, club soda with pomegranate juice and fresh mint, sparkling water and bitters. You may find a new favorite that doesn’t leave you with an emotional and physical hangover.
IF YOU ARE DEALING WITH OVERSPENDING:
Instead of wanting for more, let's flip the switch and let abundance come from what you have in your life. Now is a great time of year to go through your closet, donate to women’s shelters and other organizations close to your heart and really take stock of what you can share, whatever that looks like to you.
My Tip
This year, Ben and I are taking a new approach. Between gifted items generously sent to me and events that have prompted me to expand my wardrobe, the amount of material items in my home and life have quantitatively increased. And, while I am beyond grateful for the experiences, I am feeling a little weighed down by consumption right now. So we are doing a gift-free Christmas and opting to volunteer instead. For families with children, volunteering is the perfect opportunity to get them involved from the start, to spend quality time together, to ground yourself and to remind yourself just how much you have.
IF YOU ARE DEALING WITH Emotional Eating:
Two things abound during the holidays: stress and indulgences. It’s easy to get caught up in emotional eating, only to feel worse when it’s all said and done. Whether it stems from loneliness, boredom, packed schedules, anxiety, or insecurity, take the cue and remind yourself to check in on your well-being.
My Tip
To get through the moment, start at the root. Do a whole-body scan. Check in, be present. Ask yourself: Why am I eating? Am I hungry? If you’re not, then go deeper: Why am I comforting myself? What is it I need to work through? Use this opportunity to flag latent anxieties, traumas and stressors you can tackle when the time is right.
To get through the event, day, or season, have a plan and work the plan. I never go to big events hungry. If it’s a big holiday party, I’ll go half-full and eat something healthy before. That way, if I just have dessert there, that’s fine. Healthy snacks I like to keep on hand are: raw almonds, apples with almond butter, popcorn, pre-made proteins aka grilled chicken in the fridge, RX bars, and sunflower seeds keep me energized while I am on the go.
if you are dealing with Social Anxiety:
If you get anxious looking at a packed calendar of events, you are not alone. I still get nervous in a large room of people. But I find it helps to make it about connecting, not performing or impressing. Sometimes we put so much pressure on ourselves to hide our flaws and have picture-perfect experiences that we forget what the gathering was all about in the first place — connecting, being present, and love.
My Tip
Focus on finding a loving connection; it’s easier than you think. (Remember, the easiest conversation starter is simply getting people to talk about themselves!) A simple question can spark a rich, heartfelt conversation. Prepare by thinking of a few subjects important to you, and ask people around you about them. If you make your goal to be 100% authentic to yourself, it takes the pressure off performing and neutralizes social anxiety. You can leave at the end of the night knowing you met your goal by simply being yourself.
CONVERSATION STARTERS:
What did joy look like for you in 2019?
what was your greatest lesson learned in 2019?
happy new year!! what are you most looking forward in 2020?
what do you want more of or less in 2020?
and the staple, where are you from? this is the start to a great life story!
if you are dealing with Stress + Exhaustion:
A side effect of many of the previously mentioned struggles, stress and exhaustion seem to get everyone eventually, whether it’s due to overindulging, packed schedules, emotional battles, or everything all at once. The antidote to stress and exhaustion is stillness. This is self care’s time to shine.
My Tip
These are my go-to principles, day after day, holiday season or not. By engineering small moments into your day to pause, reflect and restore, you can mitigate stress from the start. Start your morning with an intention along with how you are showing up for yourself. In the afternoon, pause for breathwork and manage your energy vs. time. Even if you only have time for three deep breaths. Evaluate: what’s energizing you? What’s depleting you? How can you manage your energy to expand what’s fueling you? Then, in the evening, restore with water. Use a shower or bath as an opportunity for quiet and stillness to take stock of the day.
if you are dealing with Loneliness:
Holiday loneliness is not a new concept, but in the era of the internet, it is particularly acute. Social media and the internet get a bad reputation. What is your current mood with social media? We are the one’s controlling the output and scroll which can either be inspiring or the cesspool humanity! It is up to us and what we make of the platforms we are using.
My Tip
If you’re finding social media exacerbating loneliness, it’s time to change how we engage. For example, statics show voyeurism while scrolling can be linked with negative social consequences. I like to use social media in a conscious way and encourage others to meaningfully engage with the accounts they follow and support. Reach out and interact in a kind, loving way. Join Facebook groups and events for your interests, try classpass, find a Meetup group near you. You’ll be surprised and how support garners support. Second, unfollow anything that prompts you to compare or judge or think negatively about yourself or others. Be intentional about what you consume visually and what you engage with.
The New Southern is a reminder that creativity, our shared interests, even our differences are all opportunities to meaningfully connect. By engaging our curiosity and creativity, we can find connection and inspire others to do the same.
